I have been so confused about…everything, recently.
For the past year, I have been comfortable with the label of biromantic asexual. I don’t feel sexual attraction, and I would be in a relationship with men, women, and anyone outside and in between. But lately I’ve been wondering whether I’ll have to change that.
I think I might be a lesbian.
The asexuality is still there. I have no confusion over that. But I’ve been thinking about relationships with men a lot recently and how much the idea does not appeal to me. Like at all. And the urge to have a girlfriend is incredibly strong, almost to the point where I would be looking for a girlfriend if I knew if I was single or not (me and my sort of ex are kind of back together. He is male. I think you realise the problem here)
I’m starting to think my sort of ex was an exception, that he is one of the only men I would be in a romantic and sexual relationship in. And I think I’m confused because there is a part of me that wants to be with him, but the part of me which is saying “You really like girls what are you doing” is shouting over it and it’s hard to understand it all.
I’m hoping I can sort this all out in my head.
I think I have finally made the decision to make and sell crocheted items, specifically toys. I am currently trying to write and make a pattern that is similar to what I made for my friends birthday, but different enough so I’m not copying or whatever. I guess I’m using that pattern as a base or guide to get basic shapes right? Usually I just guess.
As you can see there are a lot of changes and re-writes. There will probably be more to come and with gradually change more and more.
I was thinking of making them all or most OOAK (One of a Kind) since doing the same thing over and over does get a bit boring after a while, however I was also thinking of making an LGBT*QIA (or whatever that acronym is now) section, so there would be asexual pride unicorns and gay pride unicorns and genderqueer pride unicorns etc etc and I don’t think I’d get bored of that? I’ll see how it goes.
As you might have noticed if you’ve looked at my profile, I identify as a panromantic asexual. This means that I do not experience sexual attraction, but I am capable of feeling romantic attraction for every gender. This doesn’t mean I don’t want or have sex, and there are plenty who do (including me) because they enjoy it. There are asexuals out there who do not want or desire sex though, or do just for their partner.
I can find people attractive, because there are things such as aesthetic attraction and sensual (I hate that word) attraction. Here is a list and what they mean: http://asexualeducation.tumblr.com/post/16002477979/different-types-of-attraction
As you can see this can get quite complicated quite quickly, which is why I didn’t realise I was asexual until a few months ago. There is also the misconception that asexual = celibate, which is just not true. I knew I wanted to have sex at some point and found I it was fun so the thought didn’t occur to me. I just thought I was either a confused heterosexual or a confused bisexual. This started from around 12 years old.